Wednesday, January 18, 2006

משתדל בתשובה

Amazing what can happen over a few hours.  I went to my first class today, behavior therapy.  It reignited my passion for what I do, and reminded me of what I used to do at work, how I used to help people.  Dr. L’s analytic streak (streak?!  that’s all he is!) has grated on me for some time now.  Freudians, neo- or otherwise, read too much into things.  Period.

Well, after that, I did a little shopping before I went home.  I fell into my old mindset and habits, victim (resigned, willing victim that I am) of תאווה.  I felt myself gravitating towards the event horizon, already saw it as my future, and felt it in my body even as my conscience tried to wrest my future back from the damaging forces of mind.  I had to try something because really, I don’t want to fall.  So I put on some Aaron Razel for my drive home.  He’s a master of inspiring music.  If you’re down, in whatever way, his music can do wonders.  I’m not saying it always, or even usually does.  But it can.

I went to shul for Mincha/Ma’ariv and the rabbi asked to be ש"ץ.  That was exactly what I needed.  Placed at the front of the minyan, their emissary and connection to God for these few moments in a drab basement the same time as thousands of other minyanim in my city.  It’s a small role, most mitpallelim mindlessly aware of the prayers unfolding before them, just as I usually pray, but it’s huge.  I feel re-oriented and re-focused.

When I got back home (after stopping off to buy T another food-related present/surprise), I found the neighbor kids singing, performing their own הכנסת תורה.  One of them had received a new paper scroll, complete with velvet deckele.  The others joined in with their paper ספרי תורה and marched off, the beaming leader holding his new prize possession aloft as his talit slipped off his shoulders.  Such sweet kinderlach, such sweet  Yiddishkeit.  How can a weak-willed sinner and struggling repentant not be moved?

May this inspiration last.

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