Sunday, January 29, 2006

No rest for the weary

T. and I have been so tired today.  Busy weekend, busy week before that.  There’s so much to do.  I don’t know how she does it, she’s been plugging away all afternoon.  I’ve been trying, haven’t been procrastinating like I usually do, but haven’t made it very far.  The bleary-eyed are no less bleary-eyed and still they march.  Such is life.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Huh? Wuh...? Ooaaaaoooghoooohhh......

I woke up this morning at about 5 AM, not on purpose.  I made my online reservation for the Genius Bar, to have them check out (and hopefully replace) my iPod today.  I went to the 7 o’clock minyan and went to bed when I came back, around 8 AM.  I was deep into my much needed sleep when the doorbell (well, not as much a bell as much as a hair-raising buzzer) buzzed.  It was the cleaning lady.  I was jarred as anything.  There was only one of her, but I saw three when I answered the door and let her in.
It was painful.  But I eventually woke up.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

It ain't all free food and ID badges

The bleary-eyed grad student heads for bed.
לילה טוב

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

משתדל בתשובה

Amazing what can happen over a few hours.  I went to my first class today, behavior therapy.  It reignited my passion for what I do, and reminded me of what I used to do at work, how I used to help people.  Dr. L’s analytic streak (streak?!  that’s all he is!) has grated on me for some time now.  Freudians, neo- or otherwise, read too much into things.  Period.

Well, after that, I did a little shopping before I went home.  I fell into my old mindset and habits, victim (resigned, willing victim that I am) of תאווה.  I felt myself gravitating towards the event horizon, already saw it as my future, and felt it in my body even as my conscience tried to wrest my future back from the damaging forces of mind.  I had to try something because really, I don’t want to fall.  So I put on some Aaron Razel for my drive home.  He’s a master of inspiring music.  If you’re down, in whatever way, his music can do wonders.  I’m not saying it always, or even usually does.  But it can.

I went to shul for Mincha/Ma’ariv and the rabbi asked to be ש"ץ.  That was exactly what I needed.  Placed at the front of the minyan, their emissary and connection to God for these few moments in a drab basement the same time as thousands of other minyanim in my city.  It’s a small role, most mitpallelim mindlessly aware of the prayers unfolding before them, just as I usually pray, but it’s huge.  I feel re-oriented and re-focused.

When I got back home (after stopping off to buy T another food-related present/surprise), I found the neighbor kids singing, performing their own הכנסת תורה.  One of them had received a new paper scroll, complete with velvet deckele.  The others joined in with their paper ספרי תורה and marched off, the beaming leader holding his new prize possession aloft as his talit slipped off his shoulders.  Such sweet kinderlach, such sweet  Yiddishkeit.  How can a weak-willed sinner and struggling repentant not be moved?

May this inspiration last.

Fine feathered friends get soggy feathers when it rains

I emailed some friends in Israel to say hi. They’re not doing so well. Life can be really hard even for people who aren’t “suffering.” But we all have to go on. Sometimes it’s ok to be sad or lonely, you don’t have to put on your happy face if you don’t feel like it.

I realized for myself and for them how important it is to have friends. A loving spouse is a blessing from God, but when the two of you are going through the hardships of life, it can be important to have others on whose shoulders you can cry. Sometimes you even get to let your hair down a little more with friends because you don’t have to be as strong and stable as for your spouse.

On Friday night in shul, I met an old friend of mine. We’ve been meaning to reconnect on and off for months and months. Now it’s on again. He asked me if I would be his friend. Oy, such a sweet human being as he is shouldn’t be so needful of a good friend. He was married, but his wife was not his friend. It is an honor for me to be his friend, but I have to work on staying in touch with people even though my life feels so busy (or so tiring) all the time.

כל ישראל ערבים זה לזה, I am personally responsible for my brother’s welfare and I know it’s good for myself, too.

Love someone today,

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Greetings from the future

Well it's been a while, but I've been inspired to continue my blog, after a very long hiatus.

So what's happened since then? Well, you'll find out along the way, but here are the headlines:
I got my applications out, had a couple of interviews, and was accepted to a great Ph.D. program. Tomorrow I begin my second semester and am looking forward to continuing my work. School is a lot of work, but I'm growing, not feeling as stagnant as I did at work. I do miss having my own office sometimes.

T finished school and passed the Bar exam. She was offered a job on the spot at her second interview (though the job search was frustating and anxiety-ridden) and is now working at a well-known firm that is not a sweatshop. She loves what she's doing and we have an income again!!

And of course, you're all wondering- we didn't win the eBay auction but did end up buying a beautiful (not too expensive) cherry dining room table and chairs from Ethan Allen.